Can’t get your partner to stop snoring? Get a new relationship!

Do you struggle resting with a snoring partner? Here’s an email just about that, with some suggestions that might help you.

Dear Sondra,

Thanks for all of your wonderful recent resources!

I have a question that I wonder if you’ve gotten before. I haven’t slept in the same bed with my husband for months because the sound of his snoring or even just his audible breathing at night has started to drive me nuts.

He ALWAYS falls asleep before me (usually within five minutes) and if he isn’t totally quiet, I can feel my blood pressure rising because I know his sounds are going to keep me awake. All I can focus on is his breath in and out which prevents me from relaxing (and almost feels taunting, because he’s fallen asleep so easily and I’ve struggled with insomnia for many years).

Needless to say, this isn’t good for our marriage and I’m tired of this situation we’re in. Fortunately for my husband, we have a nice second bedroom he sleeps in, but in a way I think the fact that we have this option has contributed to the problem. It’s too easy to ask him to leave.

Have you touched on this issue in any of your writings? Or do you have any suggestions for me?

Thank you in advance for any ideas you might have!

Kendra

Hi Kendra,

​Lovely to hear from you, with a great question.

Marriage and partners can be big causes of sleeping difficulties. My deceased husband had ​rapid body movement disorder — like rapid leg syndrome ​for his whole body​. He didn’t notice it​ (he was asleep!)​ and did not like when I mentioned that it bothered me. Not that my comments helped, as he didn’t have any control over it, no matter how much I wished he did.

You want to get rid of ​noise or jostling​, but when you can’t, dive into explore your reactions to it.

How does noise trigger your nervous response? What happens in your body, mind, and emotions​ — does your stomach turn, jaw clench, create shallow breathing? Do you blame others, blame yourself, worry? Believe it or not, noticing or moving towards the problem gives you a smidgen of room around your response.

Next consider physical ways to lessen the impact – really good sound machines or silicone ear plugs help. ​They won’t eliminate the noise​, but create a little cocoon for you within it.​ And then there’s your relationship to the noises. I’m guessing other ​sounds that don’t bother you because you don’t feel taunted by them  – easy to feel if you’re sleep deprived​.

Explore what that response feels like in your body. Does feeling taunted change in different circumstances? Your mood, stress at work, or a household chore imbalance that’s coming out here instead. Acknowledge what you can to deal with when you’re awake. During the night, try just staying with the physical sensations of envy while you rest around it. Both can happen at the same time.

​These things (ear plugs​, sound machine​, attitude​, distraction​, and​/​or​ focus on your body) help you change your relationship to noise, so it doesn’t invade in the same way​. Then you can move into rest​, even for just moments at a time. Return to those moments ​to ​strengthen your ability to care for yourself and rest, renew, and even sleep at night.

Let me know if this ​helps you ​have more options at night.​

Wishing you​ restful nights,
Sondra

Sondra, 

Thanks so much for your reply! This is helpful and in fact, last night we slept in the same room for the first time in a long time with success! It helped that we didn’t have the pressure of work today (we took today off) but still a step forward! I’m going to continue trying the techniques you shared.

Thanks again!
Kendra

P.S. Learn to sooth your relationships to others with compassion in Renewing in Chaos: Finding Rest in Turbulent Times. It’s a great gift if you know of those who struggle to sleep.