Should I Keep Mentioning Sleep? (Shopping, love, and rest)

I learned a lot after my husband’s death about love, and believe it or not, it relates to sleep….

My late husband and I loved each other and built our family together. We had the joy of two children, curiosity about the world and who we were in it, reading kids’ books to each other, playing games, plus good couple’s counseling for bumps in life’s road.

And…I also blamed him way too often, deciding problems were him when they were us. Or really me.

​​​​​​​I related to him a lot like I did when I was shopping – as if I could exchange him for a more perfect version. Or that I could make him a more perfect after I pointed out all the defects I saw. *Sigh* This is not one of my best memories of our 20 years together. Especially now that he’s gone, I can’t ask forgiveness and make things different.

What I know now was that I didn’t appreciate what I had – or who he was – because I was focused on getting something better. This is a bittersweet lesson from loss.​​​​​​​

When sleep is the only answer

Why am I mentioning this? Because many suffering from insomnia treat rest and sleep in this same way.

• When you’re in a marriage in hopes of something better, you’re not really loving who you’re with.
• When you rest in hopes of sleep, you’re not really resting.

It’s an enigma that goes like this: If you aim to rest with the purpose of sleep, you are attached to a better answer in your mind, body, emotions, and identity. This holding on for “better” keeps you from letting go, from fully descending into deep rest. And ironically, the more you hold on to sleep, the more you shut the doorway to it.

The truth is, if you want the benefits of sleep, you have to let sleep go. Something like:

Like I said, it’s a confusing paradox. To get what you want, you have to let go of wanting it….

And I can use your help in how to talk about it.

Avoiding the topic of sleep

For a long time, I barely mentioned how Restful Insomnia invites sleep. Because I was concerned that talking about slumber would shift the focus and interfere with rest.

But let’s be realistic – most with insomnia are desperate for sleep. If I didn’t mention sleep, it would be like trying to get people to eat veggies by only saying they’re good for you, not mentioning that they also taste yummy.

So I’ve stopped avoiding the topic. For example, the home page now says:
Restful Insomnia can help you get the rest you crave . . . to reduce stress, restore your energy, and as a bonus — open the door to delightful sleep as well.

This feels right on many levels, as it fully explains the value of deep rest.

However, some of my clients are getting stuck in the paradox. Because they still hold onto their agenda of sleep when they try to unwind. And no surprise, they don’t rest as deeply, and don’t sleep as well either.

Does thinking about sleep get in the way of rest?

Is that true for you? Do you struggle with the ideal of sleep even when you’re aiming to rest? How does it affect your nights?

What do you think about mentioning the bonus of sleep in the Restful Insomnia materials? Would it be more enticing to try the programs…and/or would it interfere with truly restful, renewing nights?

If you’re able to leave any comments, I’d appreciate it.

Meanwhile, I hope that you love who ever loves you, and embrace deep rest when you can’t sleep.