When You Don’t Want to Heal
I’ve been in such a mood this week, perpetually cranky. Today I realized it’s feeling abandoned: I was rejected by something I applied for, family members are hiding out, requests have gone unanswered, my favorite eye doctor retired, I misplaced my sandals.
No big deal in real life, but inside it’s a familiar big deal — childhood body memory of being perpetually ignored and unseen.
I’m having the same responses I did then… eating more food than my body wants, playing games instead of working, hiding out. “So there! Take that!”
Take what? There’s no one but me living the consequences.
At moments, I’ve tried to shake it off. I’ve taken a long exhale, come back to my body. I tried to bring in a View of clouds on earth from spaceresource (my adult capable self) to help my childlike helpless response.
I’m hanging out in this poor-me, bah-you space. I don’t want to heal.
I often ask if there’s something still to be learned from this childhood hurt, or it needs to be seen more. It feels there’s not much new here; good therapy has long since clarified this story.
Instead my resistance is I don’t want the healing to come from the inside. I want to be acknowledged and seen from others. Which is not in my control.
So how to move forward when I want other people to change and I don’t want to heal myself?
Don’t fight the resistance.
Most everyone I know has times of resistance. Wrestling to get rid of it, no matter how stupid it seems (in my case right now), only makes the resistance stronger.
Instead, I’m going to share a method to thin the layers, and walk through it as I write it: It’s about remembering that “abandonment” is a layer of my experience, not my identity.
Let’s start by noticing if you’re feeling a bit clouded at the moment and not fully here. You can also use this when you’re in bed, ready to let go into rest and sleep.
- Remember you have a body. Let gravity remind you of your presence on the earth. Connect to the sky through your breath.
- Notice the layers of who you are:
- Physical self, what joys and pains arise? Expand the acceptance and space for those sensations
- Mental self, what’s your relationship with your thoughts? Where has your mind been going? Expand the acceptance and space for your mental life.
- Emotional self, what struggles, gratitude, anger, fear, joy are you aware of? There’s plenty of room for all of that – including that you don’t want to feel if.
- Spiritual self: Do you feel connected to your larger, natural, or Divine self? Maybe it comes as a presence, a softer breath, a filament, a memory, or a hope.
- Notice if any layer clouds your experience at the moment. Honor it.
If you feel it in your body, move, shake, or let your breath fill and release that part, even just 2%? If your mind feels crowded with “bah!” thoughts, let them have plenty of space so you can see moments between them.
- Ask for help from a resource. Imagine the earth holding, recycling, and transforming some of that layer. Maybe the Divine or God shines a little more brightly. Magic elves (hmm, are there any other kind, but magic?) vacuum out some of that cloud, thinning it like a cirrus instead of cumulus. Ask your aware self to notice life and remind you that you’re more than this cloud.
- Experience the kaleidoscope of who you are, shifting, giving more room to see through opaque “shadows” of yourself.
- As you come back, notice your body again, where you are. Appreciate any moment of grace or release that just may have happened.
I had a shift during as I wrote that, an opening and thinning.
Then I looked at an email that and felt cranky abandonment buttons… but I returned quickly to the more fluid sense of myself.
Now I know I’ll make it through whatever is arising, with more room to learn from it, and not make it worse with my reactions.
I hope you have fluidity in who you are as well,
P.S. Who can I talk to?
Many of my clients come from referrals – therapists, coaches, doctors who know their clients can use help in better resting into themselves.
Would you let me know if there’s anyone I might talk to, an easy conversation where we can support each others’ work? Thank you!